I'd rather have a bigot think I'm a lesbian than have a lesbian think I'm a bigot
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it
The idea that God is His own grandmother may be unsupported by Scripture, but who wants to offend God's grandmother?
The ideal government would just tax everyone a dollar a year and then spend it all on fireworks
If a book and a head collide and a hollow sound is heard, is it always the fault of the book?
If a program is useful, it must be changed–if it's useless, it must be documented
If a system is of sufficient complexity, it will be written before it's designed, implemented before it's tested, and obsolete before it's debugged
If a train station is where the train stops, what's a work station?
If all else fails, lower your standards
If all else fails, read the directions
If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they'd point in different directions
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail [picture of thumbnail]
If anyone disagrees with anything I've said, I'll not only retract it, I'll swear under oath that I've never said it
If anything is used to its full potential, it will break
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport
If at first you don't succeed, change the rules
If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set
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I wonder if the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress
I won't ever grow up. My biological clock has a snooze alarm.
I wore black before I was cool
I wore black BEFORE it was cool
I wore black until it was cool
I worked late on my birthday and nobody brought ME a cute vampire!
I wouldn't hurt a fly, but only because they taste funny
I wouldn't mind dying–it's that business of having to stay dead that scares me
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs, and insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me
I wouldn't take a million dollars for any of my kids, but I wouldn't pay a dime for another one
I'd be an agnostic if I cared that much
I'd believe in God if I woke up one morning and all the bigots were dead
I'd do anything to make you happy, but you're asking too much
I'd like to have breakfast with you…should I call you or nudge you?
I'd like to speak with your inner baby sitter
I'd lose my body if my brain weren't surrounded by it
I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing, and now I've got to undo it
I'd love to make up my mind, but I can't remember where I left it
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I used to have a Heisenbergmobile, but every time I looked at the speedometer, I got lost
I used to love anchovies until I realized they were like eating an eyebrow. Now they just aren't the same.
I wanna have Vincent's kittens
I want a cat with a snooze button
I want a map of this conversation
I warn you not to underestimate my powers
I was a cat in my other eight lives
I was a Klingon before Klingons were popular
I was assimilated by the Borg, and all I got was this lousy button
I was born in Iowa, I just work in outer space
I was born weird–this terrible compulsion to behave normally is the result of childhood trauma
I was perfect–and then my parents got hold of me
I was sitting in the lap of luxury–and then luxury stood up
I was stupid, I was expendable, and here I am
I wasn't born Republican, Democrat, or yesterday
I will continue to be an impossible person as long as those who are now possible remain possible
I will defend to the death everyone's right to my opinion
I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered. I am not a number! I am a free man!
I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered. I am not a number! I am a free woman!
I will not get very far with this attitude
I wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's one called "brightness," but it doesn't work.
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I think I got the wrong box of cereal. I keep getting the nuts and the flakes.
I think my brain has a mind of its own
I think so, Brain, but how are we going to get all the computers in the world to fail at the same time?
I think so, Brain, but what if the professional wrestler doesn't want to be governor?
I think so, Brain, but you're too short to be the Messiah
I think, therefore I am. What's your excuse?
I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed
I thought I had a back-up, but she refused to type it in again
I thought YOU silenced the guard!
I tried being reasonable once–I didn't like it
I try never to get involved in my own life–it's too complicated
I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal
I try to see good in everything–it makes me horrible to live with
I used to be amused–now I'm just bored
I used to be conceited–but now I'm perfect
I used to be disgusted–now I'm just amused
I used to be sane…but I got better
I used to belong to a solipsism club, but I got bored and voted everyone else out
I used to get high on life, but I've built up a tolerance
I used to have a drug problem, but now I have enough money
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I really hate this damned machine, I wish that they would sell it. It never does quite what I want, but only what I tell it.
I refuse to be intimidated by reality anymore
I save lives–what do you do?
I seem to have forgotten my safeword for this 'reality' scene
I shouldn't make sweeping generalizations, but we all do it…..
I smoked marijuana in college, and I didn't exhale
I snore. I don't care. I don't have to. I'm ASLEEP.
I spend my life doing things I detest to make money I don't need to buy things I don't want to impress people I don't like
I stand between the candle and the star. Next month I will pay my electric bill.
I stared into the abyss. The abyss stared into me. Neither of us liked what we saw.
I studied COBOL in college, but I didn't compile
I support everyone's right to be an idiot. I may need it myself someday.
I support family values–Addams family values
I support the rights of straight people, even though I'm perfectly bent myself
[I think] [I am] <In a circular flowchart>
[I think] [I am] <In a flowchart with a decision box>
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I <turtle drawing heart> logo
I love my attitude problem
I love you, you love me…Dinosaur sexuality
I may be a craven little coward, but I'm a GREEDY craven little coward
I may have taught you everything *you* know, but I haven't taught you everything *I* know <underline>
I may not understand what you say, but I'll defend to the death my right to deny it
I may rise, but I refuse to shine
I must have slipped a disk. My pack hurts.
I need my sinuses like I need a hole in the head
I never believe anything until it's been officially denied
I never discuss my philosophy. I wish I could tell you why.
I never give people hell–I just tell them the truth and they think it's hell
I never spit in your drink–why do you smoke in my air?
I open minds. What do you do?
I owed the government $3400 in taxes, so I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat
I practice parallel monogamy
I pray for boredom but it never comes
I prefer to remain anomalous
I prefer to think of it as the Prime Suggestion
I read the FM, and it didn't work
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I just held my hand up to this buzz saw and lost one of my fingers! What do you make of that?…Damn–there goes another!
I just know I was meant to be born rich–somebody up there must have fouled up the paperwork
I just MIGHT say yes
I keep hitting the escape key, but I'm still here
I killed and ate my inner child–tastes like chicken
I killed Kenny!
I knew I had some reason for not killing you…Now what was it?
I know drinking kills brain cells–but only the weak ones
I know I'm a sick person–the question is whether it's charming or offensive
I know it all. I just can't remember it simultaneously.
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words
I know that every time one door closes, another door opens, but why do these hallways have to be so dark?
I know UNIX, ADA, FORTH, APL, PASCAL, C, FORTRAN, COBOL, SMALLTALK, LISP, and nineteen other high-tech words
I know where my towel is
I like life–it's something to do
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
I like the idea of an ancient race–it makes a world feel so…lived in
I loathe anyone who keeps dogs. They're cowards who don't have the courage to bite people themselves.
I love deadlines. I enjoy the whooshing sound they make as they go by
I love it when a plan comes together
I love it when a pun comes together
I love lefties
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I have multiple personalities, and we vote
I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your WHOLE BODY!
I have no humility. It's a virtue, but I can live with it
I have no use for adventures–they're nasty disturbing uncomfortable things and make you late for dinner!
I have not lost my mind–I know exactly where I left it
I have not lost my mind–it's backed up on disk somewhere
I have not lost my mind–it's backed up on tape somewhere
I have not lost my mind–the tape address is backed up on disk someplace
I have not yet begun to procrastinate
I have partaken of the Great Banquet of Life. What I need now is the Great Alka-Seltzer of Life.
I have PMS and a gun. Care to comment?
I have PMS and ESP–that makes me a bitch who knows everything
I have short-term memory loss, but I prefer to think of it as presidential eligibility
I have to do it myself, but I can't do it alone
I have too much time on my hands–let's run another convention
I haven't exactly lost it–it's been temporarily mislaid
I haven't lost it–it's been temporally mislaid
I haven't killed anyone yet. Help me keep it that way.
I judge people by what is in their hearts–not by the color of their scales
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I hate being cheered up. It's depressing.
I hate you, you hate me, let's go out and kill Barney–with a 9 millimeter bullet to the head, lets tell Baby Bop Barney's dead
I hate you, you hate me, we're a dysfunctional family
I hated Barney before it was cool
I have a firm grip on reality–by the throat
I have a malformed public duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber and am therefore excused from saving universes
I have a mind like a steel sieve
I have a mind like a steel trap; whatever goes in gets crushed and mangled!
I have a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel!
I have a sheep. Do you have a rock?
I have a spelling checker. It came with my PC. It plainly marks for my revue mistakes I cannot sea. I've run this poem threw it, I'm sure your pleased to no. Its letter perfect in it's weigh–my checker tolled me sew.
I have a talent for idleness which is tragically wasted by my working here
I have an understanding with my local police–I have them outgunned, but they have me outnumbered
I have bungee fever and there's only one cure….BOING….
I have developed "Power Word Nuke". Send me all your gold.
I have found a wonderful counterexample, but it won't fit in this universe –Fermat
I have many skills
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I feel like I'm trapped in a Hemmingway story. If I get any more cryptic, I won't be able to talk at all.
I fight for what I believe in. I'm a mercenary, and what I believe in is money.
I finally got back on the net. Now I will never get anything done.
I finally got it all together–but then I forgot where I put it
I find it hard to sit still in one spot, and impossible to sit still in two spots
I find your lack of faith disturbing
I found Jesus, and he said, "Tag, you're it!"
I gave my books their own room. Now they want the whole house.
I give good back
I go from 0 to bitch in 1.5 seconds. Take your foot off the accelerator
I got a life, but it won't run on my operating system
I got rid of the kids–the cat was allergic
I grew up on Mt. Everest and everything's been downhill since
I guess we were all guilty. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I killed Bob".
I had my car's alignment checked. It's Chaotic Evil.
I had no shoes and wept. Then I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Hey man, got any shoes you're not using?"
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