I don't need speed reading. I need speed bookcase building.
I don't need you, you know–I can be lonely all by myself
I don't need your attitude–I have one of my own
I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person I preach to
I don't pretend to understand the universe–it's much bigger than I am –Einstein
I don't remember volunteering for this "Ring" business
I don't see you, so don't pretend to be there
I don't suffer from insanity–I revel in it!
I don't take up more than my share of space–my share's bigger than yours, that's all
I don't want constructive criticism. It's all I can do to put up with constructive praise
I don't want to die–existence is one of my strong points
I don't want to live forever–I just want to outlive my enemies and my cat
I don't want to see anybody die, but there are a few obituary notices I could read with pleasure
I eat junk food to get it out of the house
I eat the flesh of the living–and I vote
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I don't have to take this abuse from you–I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me
I don't HAVE ulcers–I give them!
I don't know and I don't care–that's why they put me in charge
I don't know. I don't know. I just don't know.
I don't know. It's a mystery.
I don't like icons–if we were meant to read hieroglyphs, we'd still be building pyramids
I don't like spreading rumors, but what else can you do with them?
I don't like violence but I'm very good at it
I don't mean to make you feel guilty, but I would if I could
I don't mind a cat in its place, but its place is not in the middle of my back at 4AM.
I don't mind being in touch with reality, as long as I don't have to live there
I don't mind being in touch with reality, so long as I don't have to pay the phone bill
I don't mind getting older. I just mind that I have aging children
I don't miss deadlines, I ignore them
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I don't care if *they* get the government they deserve, but why do *I* have to get the government they deserve?
I don't care what dark matter is–just so it isn't SPIDERS
I don't care who does the electing, so long as I get to do the nominating
I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on water while I'm fishing!
I don't delegate responsibility–I delegate blame
I don't do names
I don't do work, but I have a friend who does
I don't especially hate vampires–I just hate anything above ME on the food chain
I don't fit in–I belong to a better puzzle
I don't have a gaming problem–when I make a decision, I just toss a 1D2…err, coin
I don't have an attitude, babe–I AM an attitude
I don't have an attitude problem–it's supposed to be like this
I don't have an overactive imagination–I live in an underactive universe
I don't have any solutions, but I certainly admire the problem
I don't have burnout, but I'm slightly singed
I don't have morals. I do have standards.
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I can't go to work today–the voices said to stay home and clean the guns
I can't grow up–I'm too old
I cried for the man who had no hair until I met the man who had no head
I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat veggies
I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove anything.
I didn't know it was impossible when I did it
I died for your sins, and all I got was this lousy button
I do so have a memory. It's in /usr.
I do the work of three men–Larry, Moe, and Curly
I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to
I don't believe in God or heaven, but I do believe in good coffee–it's as close as I'll get to either
I don't believe in no-win scenarios
I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too.
I don't brake for incumbents
I don't care if I'm a lemming, I'm still not going
I don't care if it IS user friendly–I'm not computer friendly
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I am not a thug. I am not a fanatic. I am a vitamin supplement to justice.
I am not a trained killer. I LEAD trained killers.
I am NOT conceited–I just can't stand mortals
I am one of the greatest liars in the English language–I wouldn't be telling you this if I didn't know it wasn't true
I am ready to meet my Maker–whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter
I am sick and depraved–please feed me drugs and cookies
I am simply a human being, more or less
I am the Imp of the Perverse (knowing this won't help you, either)
I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater
I am under the influence of sugar, caffeine, and lack of sleep, and should not be held responsible for my behavior
I am very flexible–I can put both feet in my mouth
I am very interested in the future because I plan to spend the rest of my life there
I am what I am, and I don't think Betty Ford takes vampires!
I am ZaZa LaBorg–prepare to be assimilated, dollink!
I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.
I bought a zip drive to back up my mind, but I filled it with games
I bought the Star Trek chess set and the Civil War chess set. Now I have the South fight the Klingons.
I can handle anything as long as it doesn't require skill, talent, training, or knowhow
I can stand anything but a succession of ordinary days
I canna change the laws of physics, Captain, but I can find ye a loophole
I can't be late–I just got here
I can't be overdrawn–I still have checks left!
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Humor Me
Humpty Dumpty was pushed
I always thank the dinosaurs for a plentiful supply of 10W30. It may seem selfish, but they were going to die anyway
I am a BBS addict. If you are a decent person you will not show me your dialing directory.
I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent person, you will not sell me another book.
I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent person, you will sell me books at half price.
I am a buttonholic. If you are a decent person, you will not sell me another button.
I am a genius and should be exempt from shit
I am a Quaker. In case of emergency, please be quiet.
I am a softwareholic. If you are a decent person, you will not sell me any more software.
I am a Shadow. I stand between the Light….and the wall
I am an intellectual (I think)
I am Bart of Borg. Assimilate my shorts, man….
I am Boris of Borg. Moose and squirrel are irrelevent.
I am different, I am alone and I'm am outcast…I bleed green!
I am Goth. See me pout.
I am heavily armed, easily bored, and off my medication
I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be assimi…oooh, donuts!
I am interested in politics so that someday I will not have to be interested in politics
I am not A bitch…I am THE bitch
I am not a happy camper
I am not a minority. I am an outnumbered majority.
I am not a monotheist–the world looks as though it was designed by a committee
I am not a number! I am a free numeric variable!
I am not a student of human nature. I am a professor of a far wider academy, of which human nature is only a part
I am not a target audiance
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How many lawyer jokes are there? Four. The rest are all true stories.
How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb? One and a half.
How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing it to the earlier riddle
How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just get Bill Gates to declare darkness the company standard.
How many more innocent people must die before we shut the post office down?
How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb? None–they don’t bother with that short-wavelength stuff
How many recovering co-dependents does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The recovering co-dependent detaches and tells the lightbulb to screw itself.
How many SysAdmins does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They deny privileges to everyone with access to that room.
How many usenetters does it take to change a lightbulb? Read the FAQ
How many writers does it take to change a light bulb? Never mind that–let me tell you about MY light bulb
How they really do it [picture of cat tossing hair from basket]
How will you know the answer to that question if you don’t ask me out loud?
Human beings don’t live like this
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity–the rest is overhead for the operating system
The human race is still in beta testing
Human speech is like a cracked kettle on which we tap crude rhythms for bears to dance to, while we long to make music that will melt stars
The human spirit is a hard thing to kill, even with a chain saw
Humanity’s strongest impulse is the desire to edit other people’s copy ^H^H^H^H words^H^H^H^H^H writing
Humor is emotional chaos recollected in tranquility
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Hostes aliengeni me abduxerent. Qui annus est? (Aliens abducted me. What year is it?)
Housewives against entropy
Housework can kill you if you do it right
How can I build a death ray if they won't let me have any busbars?
How can I miss you when you won't go away?
How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
How come you never see a politician laugh? Because they know what they're getting away with, and if they started laughing, they'd never stop
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way! Unique up on it!
How do you tell an extrovert computer scientist? He looks at YOUR shoes when he talks to you
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? One third less than it takes to change a regular bulb.
How many fat acceptance advocates does it take to change a lightbulb? Why change it? It's so round and luscious just the way it is!
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Highlander Movies–There should be only one
History doesn't repeat itself–historians repeat each other
History doesn't always repeat itself–sometimes it screams, "WHY DON'T YOU LISTEN TO WHAT I'M SAYING?" and lets fly with a club
History is the science of what never happens twice
History repeats itself, but each time the price goes up
History repeats itself. That's one of the things wrong with history.
Hit any key to continue, or any other key to quit
Hit any key? With what?
The HMO was a success–the patient died
Hobbes is real and Calvin is his pet boy
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no march for a good bullwhip by your side
Hollow chocolate has no calories
Home is where you can scratch where it really itches
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the better defense
HONOR Do what you say. Say what you mean. Mean what you do.
Hooked on Psionics worked for me!
Horses are dangerous at both ends and uncomfortable in the middle
A host is a host from coast to coast, and no one will talk to a host that's close, unless the host (that isn't close) is busy, hung, or dead
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Here at First National, you're not just a number–you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
He's dead, Jean-Luc
He's dead, Jim.
He's dead, Jim. You take his phaser, I'll get his wallet.
He's dead–you get his phaser, I'll take his toupee
<hebrew: chet,yod> guys
"Hey Rocky! Watch me pull some intelligence out of the internet!" "But that trick never works." "This time for sure."
Hi! I can't remember your name either
Hi! I'll be your asshole for the evening.
Hi–I'm shameless. Do you want to do something you'll regret for the rest of your life?
<hebrew: chet, yod> y'all
High tech means breaks down next week, cutting edge means breaks down this afternoon
High Voltage Electronics–life's a glitch, and then you fry
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