I'm going to keep going to these damned cons until I have a one night stand
I'm GREAT at immaturity–I've been practicing for decades
I'm having a deja vu experience, just like last time
I'm having a mid-week experience
I'm here to chew bubblegum and kick ass…I'm out of bubblegum
I'm immortal. I'm bored. Let's party.
I'm in a good mood–don't change it
I'm just looking at your nametag, honest!
I'm killing time, wasting space, and going through a phase
I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it any more!
I'm never late–nothing starts without me!
I'm not a bad witch–I'm a grumpy witch
I'm not a FAN–I just read the stuff
I'm not a lesbian–this is a career move
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I'm a law unto myself–and I break it anyway!
I'm a misanthrope–what's your fucking problem?
I'm a mutated .sig virus. Copy me into your .sig or risk instant death.
I'm a right-brain mind in a left-brain job
I'm a Slayer Ask me how
I'm a very dangerous fellow when I don't know what I'm doing
I'm a writer, not a spellir
I'm a Zen nudist–I'm naked in my own mind
I'm an anarchist, especially about whatever someone ELSE is running
I'm an ARTIST–please feed my creditors
I'm apathetic and I don't care
I'm feeling argumentative. Please contradict me.
I'm feeling homicidal–say ANYTHING
I'm from the IRS. The government has spent all your tax money. Could we please have some more?
I'm going to develop some willpower, but not today. Today, I'm going to read a book while recovering from the half block of chocolate I just ate.
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If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate
If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
If you're working on your dissertation and you're reading Usenet, add six months to your graduation date
If you've never said "excuse me" to a parking meter or bashed your shins on a fireplug, you're probably wasting too much valuable reading time
Ignorance is bliss, but it'll never replace sex
Ignorance killed the cat. Curiousity was framed.
I'll get a life when I find out where to download one
I'll get a life when someone convinces me that it would be better than what I have now
I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure!
I'll wear any color so long as it's black
The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer.
Illegitimi Non Carborundum [with picture of grinning cat]
I'm a citizen of the universe, and a gentleman to boot!
I'm a flying saucer pilot for the CIA
I'm a game master–it's lonely at the top
I'm a hallucinogenic toad–lick me all over
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If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day
If you eat Twinkies Lite, do you kill one third less people? No, but you get a much lighter sentence
If you had to look at Lee Iacocca and eat raw fish, you'd barf too
If you have a problem with my weight, it's YOUR problem. Would some chocolate help you forget about it?
If you haven't grown up by age 60, you don't have to
If you know what you're doing, how long it will take, or what it will cost, it isn't research.
If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
If you meet Barney on the road, kill him
If you see something about so big with eight legs running towards you, let me know. I have to kill it be it develops language skills.
If you think I need to be saved from myself, I probably need to be saved from you
If you torture the data enough, it will confess
If you want a picture of the future of the internet, imagine a foot stuck in a human mouth–forever
If you want information from the net, don't ask questions–post errors
If you want the best seat in the house, move the cat
If you want to know what government medicine would be like, ask someone in a VA hospital
If you want to live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse, IT'S TOO LATE!
If you're allergic to cats, stay away from me–and maybe I'll rub against your legs anyway
If you're going down in flames, you might as well hit something big
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If you can't trust a woman with a choice, how can you trust her with a baby?
If you could print all the money you wanted, and steal all the money you wanted, couldn't you manage to stay out of debt?
If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten
If you don't believe in angels, you haven't heard me sing. If you don't believe in demons, you haven't heard me snore.
If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours
If you don't grow up by age 35, you don't have to
If you don't know history, you're condemned to repeat it….If you do know history, you're doomed to make other dumb mistakes
If you don't like lawyers, the next time you're arrested hire a comedian
If you don't like the way I drive, get out of the Batmobile
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the street… the sidewalk… the lawn…
If you don't make the rules, you don't have to keep them. If you do make the rules, you won't anyway.
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
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If we're so smart and so creative, why aren't we happier than they are?
If Windows 95 is really Y2K compliant, shouldn't it be called Windows 1995?
If women ran the world, there wouldn't be any war. Nations would tease each other until they developed eating disorders.
If words could speak, I wonder what they'd say
If work were so wonderful, the rich would keep it all for themselves
If you are given an open book exam, you will forget the book. If you are given a take home exam, you will forget where you live.
If you are in a car travelling at the speed of light in reverse and turn on the headlights, what happens?
If you are willing to die, you can do anything
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you may have an exciting future as a guillotine operator
If you can read this, the targetting lasers have locked on
If you can read this, you are my patient [upside down on button]
If you can read this, you're in range
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kick-boxing
If you can't create it–respect it
If you can't dress weird, why dress at all?
If you can't fight and you can't flee…FLOW
If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?
If you can't say something nice, say something surrealistic [pictures of fish, eye, paperclip]
If you can't solve the problems of the world with chocolate chip cookies, then how can you solve them?
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If the government REALLY wanted us to obey the law, they would tell us what it is
If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body…then only left-handed people are in their right minds!
If the universe is expanding, why can't I find a parking space?
If the wearer of this button shows any signs of depression, administer Chinese food immediately
If the wearer of this button shows any signs of depression, administer chocolate immediately!
If there is anything in the universe more important than my ego, I want it taken out and shot immediately
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there were no rhetorical questions, what would we do with our hypothetical answers?
If there's so much labor-saving machinery, why don't I have more free time?
If they don't want us to drink and drive, we shouldn't need a driver's license to buy beer
If they give you lined paper, write the other way!
If this is tourist season, what's the bag limit?
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?
If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
If trying to control someone else's addiction is codependency, then what's the war on drugs?
If voting could change the system, it would be illegal. If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
If we can build a space shuttle, why can't we build a decent mattress handle?
If we have to re-invent the wheel, could we at least get it round this time?
If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage
If we wish to understand the nature of the universe, we have an inner hidden advantage: we are ourselves little portions of the universe, and so carry the answer within us
If we're both Significant Others, are we a couple of SO-and-SO's?
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If it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly
If it's worth saying, it's worth saying on a button
If Jesus was Jewish, why did he have a Mexican name?
If Murphy's Law were true, whenever you tried to take a breath all the air would be on the other side of the room
If my income is fixed, how come I'm always broke?
If not now, when? If not yes, why not?
If olive oil comes from olives, and peanut oil comes from peanuts, where does baby oil come from?
If only there were some indication the universe was doing it on purpose
If only you could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to do anything
If people see that you mean them no harm, they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten
If people were required to know the law rather than to obey it, the government would be overthrown the next day
If pi were three, this sentence would look like this [the o's are hexagons]
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themself, is it a hostage situation?
If space is warped, time is all that's weft
If Starfleet Command had wanted you to have a life, we would have issued you one
If stupidity is outlawed, only outlaws will be stupid
If that which does not kill me makes me stronger, I must be Arnold Schwarzenegger by now
If the economy can only get better or worse, why aren't economists right half the time?
If the government doesn't trust me with my guns, why should I trust it with my money?
If the government doesn't trust the people, why doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
If the government doesn't trust us with our guns, why should we trust them with theirs?
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If I'd known grandchildren would be so much fun, I would have had them first
If I'd wanted a Macintosh, I would have bought one
If `if' statements had no `then' clauses,
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If it doesn't work, change the documentation
If it doesn't work, use a bigger hammer. If it breaks, it needed fixing anyway.
If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly
If it isn't baroque, don't fix it–unless you're sure you can handel it
If it were easy to understand, we wouldn't call it code
If it weren't for C, we'd be using BASI, PASAL, and OBOL
If it's any of your business, it isn't really gossip
If it's long dark and green and its bite makes you scream, that's a moray
If it's not on fire, it's a software problem
If it's not one thing, it's a BUNCH of things
If it's stupid and it works, it's not stupid
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If C++ is your hammer, everything gets to look like a thumb
If cars had followed the same developmental path as computers, a Rolls Royce would cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside
If cats had longer attention spans, they'd be running the world
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
If God dwells within us, I hope He likes enchiladas because that's what He's getting
If God had meant us to be naked, we would have been born that way
If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates
If God hadn't wanted me to be paranoid, He wouldn't have given me such a vivid imagination
If God took acid, would He see people?
If guns are outlawed, can we use phasers?
If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
If guns are outlawed, how will conservatives win any arguments?
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
If I can start it, I can fly it, drive it, or program it
If I have offended you in any way…MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
If I thought life was cheap, I wouldn't charge so much to take one
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat
If I want your opinion, I'll read it in your entrails
If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you
If I were any more convenient, I'd be a nuisance
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