If you drink, don't park.&

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  • If you drink, don't park.  Accidents cause people.
  • If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day
  • If you eat Twinkies Lite, do you kill one third less people?  No, but you get a much lighter sentence
  • If you had to look at Lee Iacocca and eat raw fish, you'd barf too
  • If you have a problem with my weight, it's YOUR problem.  Would some chocolate help you forget about it?
  • If you haven't grown up by age 60, you don't have to
  • If you know what you're doing, how long it will take, or what it will cost, it isn't research.
  • If you love something, let it go.  If it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it.
  • If you meet Barney on the road, kill him
  • If you see something about so big with eight legs running towards you, let me know. I have to kill it be it develops language skills.
  • If you think I need to be saved from myself, I probably need to be saved from you
  • If you torture the data enough, it will confess
  • If you want a picture of the future of the internet, imagine a foot stuck in a human mouth–forever
  • If you want information from the net, don't ask questions–post errors
  • If you want the best seat in the house, move the cat
  • If you want to know what government medicine would be like, ask someone in a VA hospital
  • If you want to live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse, IT'S TOO LATE!
  • If you're allergic to cats, stay away from me–and maybe I'll rub against your legs anyway
  • If you're going down in flames, you might as well hit something big
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