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- If C++ is your hammer, everything gets to look like a thumb
- If cars had followed the same developmental path as computers, a Rolls Royce would cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside
- If cats had longer attention spans, they'd be running the world
- If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
- If God dwells within us, I hope He likes enchiladas because that's what He's getting
- If God had meant us to be naked, we would have been born that way
- If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates
- If God hadn't wanted me to be paranoid, He wouldn't have given me such a vivid imagination
- If God took acid, would He see people?
- If guns are outlawed, can we use phasers?
- If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
- If guns are outlawed, how will conservatives win any arguments?
- If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
- If I can start it, I can fly it, drive it, or program it
- If I have offended you in any way…MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
- If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
- If I thought life was cheap, I wouldn't charge so much to take one
- If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat
- If I want your opinion, I'll read it in your entrails
- If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you
- If I were any more convenient, I'd be a nuisance