THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP
1. It is important to find a wo/man who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It is important to find a wo/man who can make you laugh.
3. It is important to find a wo/man who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It is important to find a wo/man who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It is very important that these four wo/men don’t know each other
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One
of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal.
The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him
Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his mum.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds,
“But they’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
Someone complimented me on my driving the other day….
They left a note saying “parking fine”
Things to do in a lift:
1) When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.
2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4) Call the psychic hotline from your mobile and ask if they know what floor you are on.
5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say “Hi Greg how’s your day been?”
6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream “That’s mine!”
7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask them if they have an appointment.
9) Lay down a twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12) Ask, “Did you feel that?”
13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14) When the doors close, announce to the others, “Its okay. Don’t panic, they open again!”
15) Swat at flies that don’t exist
16) Tell people that you can see their aura.
17) Call out “Group Hug!” and then enforce it.
18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”
19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?”
20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “your one of THEM!” and back away slowly.
22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, “I have new socks on!”
26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is MY personal space!”
A bloke rings his local chemist.
He asks, “Do you sell incontinence pants?”
“Yes sir,” says the chemist.
“Can I ask where you are ringing from?”
“The waist down”, replies the man.
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar.
There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking
at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and
stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the
Irishman cried out: “My God! I know who that man is – its Jesus”!
The others looked again, and sure enough it was Jesus himself sitting
alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out across the lounge: “Hey! Hey you! Are you
Jesus”? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head
“yes I am Jesus” he says. Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over
and says to him: “I’d like you to give Jesus over a pint of Guinness
from me.” The bartended pours Jesus a Guinness, Jesus looks over, raises
his glass
in thanks and drinks.
Then the Australian calls out: “Oi You! D’ya reckon you’re Jesus or
what?” Jesus nods his head and says “Yes I am Jesus”. The Australian is
mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for
Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.
The Scouser then calls out “Oi whack, would you be Jesus?” Jesus smiles
and says “Yes I am Jesus”. The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells
him to send over a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly
does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.
Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and
approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman
and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the
Irishman gives a cry of amazement. “Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The
arthritis I’ve had for 40 years is gone! It’s a miracle!!!!”
Jesus then shakes the Australian’s hand, thanking him for the lager.
Upon letting go, the Australian’s eyes widen in shock. “by jingo mate,
the
migraine! The migraine I’ve had for 10 years is completely gone – it’s
a miracle !!!!”
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says: “Back off mate! I’m on
disability!”
After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and
told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix
the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it
in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest guy in the
world,
but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is
going
to help me.”
“Trust me, it will do the job”, said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5,” at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting
on his other hand.
On Friday afternoon, the teacher announces to a class of 5-year-olds that they are going to do a spelling test.
“Johnny – what did you do at lunchtime?” asks the teacher.
“Well Miss” says Johnny, ” I played in the sand pit”.
“Very good Johnny – spell sand”
“S-A-N-D? Miss?”. “Yes Johnny – well done, you passed”
“Suzy, what about you?”.
“I played with Johnny in the sand pit too miss”.
“Good Suzy – spell pit”.
“P- I -T miss?”
“yes Suzy – you passed too!”
“Abdul – what about you?”
“Well Miss” says Abdul, ” I wanted to play with Johnny and Suzy, but they wouldn’t let me because I’m an Iraqi”.
“Oh dear” says the teacher, “they were being racially prejudiced to you Abdul – spell racially prejudiced”
The Greek waiter at the cafe in Krateron, attracted a spectacularly-looking, tall, young, blonde customer. He invited her to his room, and after some small talk they had sex.
After a pleasant interlude, and, at what seemed to him to be the appropriate time, he stretched and asked with a confident smile, “So… you finish?”
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied “No.”
Surprised, he reached for her and had his way with her again. This time she went wild, thrashing about on the bed with screams of passion.
Again, he smiled and asked somewhat patronizingly, “You finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she said “No.”
Stunned, the young man reached for her, somewhat desperately but ever so determined not to have his ego shattered by this iceberg. It took all of his strength and virility (or what was left of it) barely managing, but they both screamed, bucked, clawed and nearly ripped the bed sheets. It was dawn by then, and, entirely spent, he fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled triumphantly, and asked, “Now, you FINISH OR NO?”
“NOOOOO!” she shouted back. “Swedish!”
