Mirror | rorriM

A couple get into a taxi in Glasgow, and the woman tells the driver: “Genoa Restaurant, please”

The driver replies: “Aye. What kind of restaurant do you want?”

Alan: Good evening, Sir Arthur.

Peter: Good evening.

Alan: I am going to ask you a few questions about the train robbery, if I may.

Peter: Good, the very thing we are investigating. I’d like to make one thing quite clear at the outset — when you speak of a train robbery, this in fact involved no loss of train. It’s merely what I like to call the contents of the train which were pilfered — we haven’t lost a train since 1946, I think it was, the year of the great snows, we mislaid a small one. They’re very hard to lose, you see, being so bulky — a train is an enormous thing compared for example to a small jewel, a tiny pearl for example might fall off a lady’s neck and disappear into the grass, or the gravel, or wherever she was standing — in the sea, even, and disappear underwater — whereas an enormous train, with its huge size, is a totally different kettle of fish …

Alan: I think you’ve made that point rather WELL, Sir Arthur … who do you think may have perpetrated this awful crime?

Peter: We believe this to be the work of thieves, and I’ll tell you why. The whole pattern is extremely reminiscent of past robberies where we have found thieves to be involved — the tell-tale loss of property, that’s one of the signs we look for, the snatching away of the money substances — it all points to thieves.

Alan: So you feel thieves are responsible.

Peter: Good heavens, no! I feel that thieves are totally irresponsible. They’re a ghastly group of people, snatching your money away from you …

Alan: I appreciate that, Sir Arthur, but …

Peter: YOU may appreciate it, but most people don’t. I’m sorry I can’t agree with you. If you appreciate having money snatched you must be rather an odd fish …

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box touse for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to church with me today, we will have a good time.”

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to church with me and receive blessings.”

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord!”

A little voice came out of the box … “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes.”

This is the transcript of the actual radio conversation of a US Naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in Oct 1995.

Radio conversation released by chief of naval operations 10/10/95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north.

Canadians: Negative. you will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

Canadians: No. I say again, divert your course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. the second biggest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, that’s one five degrees north, or counter measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Q: Who are the nicest men in hospital?
A: The ultra-sound blokes.

QUESTION: How many internet newsgroup subscribers does it take to
change a light bulb?

ANSWER: 1,331

1 to change the light bulb and to post on the newsgroup that the light
bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

156 to write to the newsgroup administrator complaining about the
light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this group.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this newsgroup is not about light bulbs and to please
take this discussion to alt.lite.bulb

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this newsgroup saying that we all use
light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this newsgroup.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post
corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to
this newsgroup which makes light bulbs relevant to this newsgroup.

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all
headers and footers, and then add “Me Too.”

12 to post to the group that they are unsubscribing because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the “Me Too’s” to say, “Me Three.”

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for,
leave it here.

143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple, and a young newly married couple wanted to join the church. The pastor said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for a four-week period. The couples agreed and came back at the end of the four weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the four weeks?” The old man replied, “No problem at all, Pastor.” “Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the four weeks?” The man responded, “The first week was easy, the second week was not too bad, but the third and fourth weeks I had to sleep on the couch several nights.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church,” said the pastor. He then approached the newlywed couple and asked,” Were you able to abstain from sex for the four weeks?”

“No, Pastor. We were not able to go without sex for four Weeks,” the young man said, sadly. “What happened?” inquired the pastor.” Well, we made it through three whole weeks, then my wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

” Well,” the pastor stated.” You realize this means you will not be welcome in our church.” We know,” said the young man shaking his head, “We’re not welcome at Homebase anymore either.”

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.

He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach’s attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said, “Yes, there’s a nasty bug going around.”

Man: Doctor, I think I’m suffering from Moth Syndrome.
Doc: What’s that then?
Man: I keep thinking I’m going to die in 24 hours time.
Doc: Never heard of it, I’m afraid I can’t help you.
Man: That’s what I thought.
Doc: So why did you come to see me?
Man: Your light was on.

Why did the hot-dog keep beating the sausage sandwich at pool?

Because it was on a roll…