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Subject: examen pour fonctionnaires européens

Trois personnes sont convoquées pour un entretien d’embauche à la Commission européenne. Arrivés au test d’anglais, le recruteur leur dit: “Faites une phrase avec les 3 mots suivants: green, pink, yellow.”

C’est d’abord le Belge qui se lance:
“I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the Pink Panther on TV.”

C’est ensuite au tour de l’Allemand:
“I wake up in the morning, I see the yellow sun, the green grass and I think to myself: I hope it will be a pink day.”

Enfin, le Français s’avance et dit:
“I wake up in ze mornink, I hear ze phone: ‘green…..green…green…’ I pink up ze phone and I say ‘Yellow?'”

Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them:

“I must tell you all something …we have a case of gonorrhea in the
convent.”

“Thank god,” says an elderly nun at the back. “I’m so tired of
Chardonnay…”

David Beckham was shopping at their local supermarket and happened to spot a shiny silver thermos flask on the shelf. They were fascinated by it, so they picked it up and took it over to the cashier and asked what it was.

The cashier said “That’s a thermos flask. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

“That sounds amazing”, said David Beckham, “I think I’ll buy it.”

So, they bought the thermos and carried it around with them the next day. Their friend, also a little dim, saw it and asked “What’s that thing you’re carrying?”

“That’s a thermos flask.”, replied David Beckham excitedly, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

“Wow, that’s amazing,” said the friend, “What do you have in it?”

“Two Ice-Creams and some Coffee.”

> A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay
> her
> pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
> the
> bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
> said,
> “I’m so sorry, Cuddles has passed away.”
>
>
> The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?
>
>
> “Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.
>
>
> “How can you be so sure,” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any
> testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
>
> The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned
> a few
> moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner
> looked on
> in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
> examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
> looked at
> the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and
> took it
> out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat
> jumped
> up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat
> back on
> its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the
> room.
>
>
> The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this
> is
> most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
>
>
> Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
> produced a
> bill which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock,
> took
> the bill. “$150!”, she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!”
>
>
> The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill
> would
> have been only $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ….”

A professor stood before his philosophy class with some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.

The students responded with an unanimous “yes.”

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things–your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favourite passions – things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter – like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else the small stuff.”

“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the
things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, the Archangel Gabriel found him, resting on the seventh day.

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, proudly pointed downwards through the clouds and said, “Look Gabriel, look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Gabriel looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet”, replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Gabriel, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people” God continued, pointing to different countries. “And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?”

“Yes”, said the Archangel, impressed by God’s work. Then he pointed to a small country in Northern Europe. “What’s that one?”

“Ah,” said God. “That’s Scotland, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful snow capped mountains, untouched rivers, streams and lochs of exquisite, timeless beauty. The people make a drink called Uisge Beatha or Whisky which means The Water of Life. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found travelling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as warriors, engineers, inventors and pioneers.”

Gabriel gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, “You said there will be BALANCE!”

God replied wisely. “Wait until you see the b***ards I’m putting next to them!”

Cows of the 21 century

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.

You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST

You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

COMMUNIST

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM – AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY – AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY – AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION

You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:

You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. Then you covet it.

A SWISS CORPORATION:

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge for storing them for others. If they give milk, you tell no one.

A POLISH CORPORATION:

You have two bulls. Several people are killed while attempting to milk them. .

A TALIBAN CORPORATION:

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which is two. You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creatures private parts. You kill them both and claim that a US bomb blew them up while you were in the hospital. And last but not least:……

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows with an option to own one more.

George Bush met the Queen today, and he turns round and says: “As I’m the President, I’m thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I’m thinking that it should be a Kingdom”

The Queen replies “I’m sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge – and you’re not a King.”

George Bush thought a while and then said: “How about a Principality then?”,

To which the Queen replied “Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince -and you’re not a Prince, Mr Bush”.

Bush thought long and hard and came up with “How about an Empire then?”

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies “Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge – and you are not an Emperor.”

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: “I think you’re doing quite nicely as a Country”.

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a
pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is
in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, “Pierre, kiss me!” Pierre grabs a
bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips. “What are you doing,
Pierre?” says the startled Marie. “I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I
have red meat, I have red wine!” She smiles and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and ours it on
her breasts. “Pierre! What are you doing now?” asks the
bewildered Marie.

“I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!”

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really
steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, “Pierre, kiss me much
lower!”

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her
lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie
throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, “PIERRE, WHAT IN THE
F#@K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?”

Our ‘hero’ stands and says defiantly, “I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I
go down, I go down in flames

Two families move from Pakistan to America.
When they arrive the two fathers make a bet
– in a year’s time whichever family has
become more American will win.

A year later they meet again:
The first man says, “My son is playing baseball,
I had McDonalds for breakfast and I’m on my
way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?”

The second man replies, “Fsck you, towelhead.”