- Excuses to miss a day of work.
A Washington Post contest was held in which readers were asked to
come up with excuses to miss a day of work.
1. If it is all the same to you, I won’t be coming in to work. The
voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my
Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other
half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind
of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until
the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing
the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in
the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout
with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or
early.
4. My stigmata’s acting up.
5. I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my
previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know
we have that deadline to meet…
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder
and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won’t be able to,
yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint,
but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I
shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now
contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave
me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.
13. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must
track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and
give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
14. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
15. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
16. I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that
my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to
arrange for helicopter transportation.
17. I prefer to remain an enigma.