When I first saw this, I just couldn’t believe it: I mean, why would Government want to put spy chips in money?
Money that is used by everyone, not just innately Terrorist races like the Muslim and Irish breeds.
But then, there I was standing, waiting for my regular midnight cup of Green and Black’s hot chocolate to ping, fiddling with the change in my pocket, when my fingers brushed over a crisp new 5 pound note. I thought to myself: “well, it isn’t going to hurt to try… is it…?”
The hot chocolate having now completed its radionic rotations, I removed it, and carefully placed the note in the centre of the oven. Set it for a conservative 1 minute thirty, and hit play.
At first, there was nothing: then, as I peered scientifically through the meshed glass, I saw it!
There were sparks… suddenly a flash!
And I was guilty of treason for defacing the currency of the realm.
In that moment my worldview was shattered, like the cheap Chinese toy given by an alcoholic single mother to her out of control ASBO yobspring, shatters as he uses it to pummel an old age pensioner into bloody unconciousness.
My trust was gone, and there is no-one so fervent as a newborn believer.
I wondered what else about my house might be contaminated with these dirty seeds of espionage. It became an obsession. I would collect the most mundane of objects, and test them via the means of microwavation. And I kept finding these chips!
In pens, phones, remote controls… spoons would spark, scissors would sizzle. It seemed like these ignition-inducing chips were everywhere.
It’s then I think that They started to get wind of what I was doing.
So I took extra care: I closed the curtains, turned up the TV to its loudest setting; I started to paper the walls with tinfoil, but then I tested it…
…and YES! THERE ARE EVEN CHIPS IN TINFOIL!!!!!
Finally, though, I think I got too close to Them for comfort: they actually blew up my microwave. (I don’t know how they got into the house past the spiked pits I had dug under every window and door–carefully hidden, of course, by novelty doormats and fine Persian rugs – but somehow they did.) It took out most of my kitchen. I thought I had been so clever, as well: I had carefully wrapped the cylinder of lighter gas I was testing in compact steel wool (to throw off radar intrusion, like chaff) liberally doused in petrol (to confuse scent based sensors).
It turned out to be a mistake on their side, though!
Lacking a microwave, I now turned to the conventional gas oven for testing, and it uncovered so much more than the microwave ever did. It even reveals the presence of chips in plastic and paper goods… causing them to combust in a similar way to the effect the microwave had on traditional silicon-metal-based chips.
I am wondering now if perhaps they are chipping people as well. I have thought long and hard on this, and it seems to me that the most likely to be chipped would be those youths abandoned (by alcoholic single mothers) to government care – with whom they have carte-blanche to experiment on in their secret underground laboratories. To test this, I feel it is most sensible to burn down an orphanage and carefully observe (I have procured a video camera for this very purpose; it is chipped of course, but I don’t intend to turn it on until the very last moment) what occasions. I know this might seem a little extreme, a little far-fetched. But God damn it, they have put chips in our bank notes! It is the only rational response.
Pray with me, brether and sistren, that I shall be succesful in this endeavour, and that we can all be one step closer to being free of this electronical yoke.
