Newsvine – Gonzo Agriculture – Episode 1: Deerproofing Your Field

Ξ June 28th, 2008 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Uncategorized |


    One of the greatest iconic figures in the American Mythology is the Noble Farmer (a close second to the Homicidally Psychotic Cowboy/Outlaw). We know him well: a selfless paragon of good Christian virtue, the only thing he values more than God, family and flag is his tireless quest to bring forth nourishing yummies from the Earth herself and deliver them fresh to your dinner table. He has no vices. Not for him the bars and whoremarkets of decadent urbanism. He toils from dusk til dawn in his sunlit fields and then collapses into the chaste embrace of his broodmaker, sleeping the deep, black sleep of the righteous, only to wake at dawn and start again. He is all that is Good and Right in us. He is the backbone of blahdie blah blah....

    Whether or not this heroic figure ever existed in reality is debatable. One thing is for certain: he's gone now, folks! Your store-bought produce is planted, cultivated, harvested, pumped full of unsavory chemicals and shipped by soulless corporate entities so inhuman and calculating that their coldness would seriously freak out the agents from The Matrix.

    Um...yuck?

    Yuck is right. These farmin' Frankensteins don't give a @!$%# what agri-abominations they shove down the collective gullet of you and your family as long their shareholders are content ("what's for dinner mommy?" "7-breasted chicken with a side of malathion!" "yum! my tumor is salivating!").

    What about the Great American Farmer? Surely, he'll save us!

    Nope. He was bought out long ago and his progeny work at 7-11. They sport elaborate mullets at weekend NASCAR rallies.

    ....but I don't wanna eat bizarre corporo-chemicals!! I just want a @!$%#ing artichoke...possibly some spinach! What the....seriously, what can I do?

    Glad you asked. Although the days of the noble dusk-to-dawn virtuous field-golem are no more, there is a likely candidate to replace him as designated Wholesome Steward of the Wholesome Earth and All Its Wholesome Goodies. That's right...the disaffected, anarchistic, cynical, inebriated @!$%#up!

    Huh? I mean...wha..?

    Think about it; our lifestyles and attitudes will only serve to alienate us further and further from society. The good citizens can't kill us, but they'll sure as hell try to starve us out (speaking from experience, the absence of Twinkies and Big Macs is no great loss). I say let 'em try! I say let's, at least partially, remove ourselves from the grid of consumer trough culture and become the blueprint for a new American Icon: The Self-Sustaining Subversive. Let's learn the ways of seed and soil. Let's save a heap of money on groceries and use the resulting windfall to support the more depraved aspects of our questionable lifestyles!"


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