Mirror | rorriM

The Ancient Masters

Ξ February 28th, 2006 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Humour |

2.1

The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom
their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance.

Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the
battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like
uncarved blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves.

Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds?

The answer exists only in the Tao.

2.2

Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke
he exclaimed:

"I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,
or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"

2.3

A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software
conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What
sort of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and
were unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and
their clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed out hospitality
suites and they made rude noises during my presentation."

The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference.
Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life
absurd, an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing
limitations. Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why
should they bother with social conventions?"

"They are alive within the Tao."

2.4

A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs,
documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him
one of the best programmers in the world. Why is this?"

The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has gone
beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system
crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond
the need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees
his code. He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his
programs are perfect within themselves, serene and elegant, their
purpose self-evident. Truly, he has entered the mystery of the Tao."

Design

Ξ February 28th, 2006 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Humour |

3.1

There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as he
entered, the man told the guard at the door:

"I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be
forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered."

This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions of
dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully.
But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to
himself.

When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes,
but nothing was to be found.

On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the
guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be
even better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no
avail.

On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his
curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot
live in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?"

The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said.

3.2

There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs. A
novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write
unstructured programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate
his progress, the master criticized him for writing unstructured
programs, saying: "What is appropriate for the master is not
appropriate for the novice. You must understand the Tao before
transcending structure."

3.3

There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to
design: an accounting package or an operating system?"

"An operating system," replied the programmer.

The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an accounting
package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating system," he said.

"Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different
ideas: how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it
must conform to the tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not
limited my outside appearances. When designing an operating system,
the programmer seeks the simplest harmony between machine and ideas.
This is why an operating system is easier to design."

The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well, but
which is easier to debug?"

The programmer made no reply.

3.4

A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements
document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How
long will it take to design this system if I assign five programmers
to it?"

"It will take one year," said the master promptly.

"But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it
take it I assign ten programmers to it?"

The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years."

"And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?"

The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be
completed," he said.

Coding

Ξ February 28th, 2006 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Humour |

4.1

A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be
retained throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much,
neither needless loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure
nor overwhelming rigidity.

A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'. What is this
law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user
in the way that astonishes him least.

A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The
program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
appearances.

If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
program.

4.2

A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and
sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am
totally baffled. What is the reason for this?"

The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand the
Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why
do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers
simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect.

The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal.
Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment."

"But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the novice.

"Your program will then run correctly," replied the master.

4.3

A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices,
"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how
insignificant," said the master.

"Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.

"It is," came the reply.

"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.

"It is even in a video game," said the master.

"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"

The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is
over for today," he said.

4.4

Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon
the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the
program ran like a gentle wind.

Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!"

"Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I
follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to
program I would see before me the whole program in one mass. After
three years I no longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines.
But now I see nothing. My whole being exists in a formless void. My
senses are idle. My spirit, free to work without a plan, follows its
own instinct. In short, my program writes itself. True, sometimes
there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I slow down, I watch
silently. Then I change a single line of code and the difficulties
vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program. I sit
still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for a
moment and then log off."

Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!"

Maintenance

Ξ February 28th, 2006 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Humour |

5.1

A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant.
Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum.
Software rots if not used.

These are great mysteries.

5.2

A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the
programmer promptly replied.

"I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully, how
long will it take?"

The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish
to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.

"Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."

The programmer agreed to this.

Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his
retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
He had been programming all night.

5.3

A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
package.

The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master reviewed
his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set of
generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
but not the slightest mention of anything financial.

When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant. "Don't
be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."

5.4

Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted?
Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student?
Does a good father allow a single child to starve?
Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?

Management

Ξ February 28th, 2006 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Humour |

6.1

When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When
accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about
to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about
to roll in.

Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming.

When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When
accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be
restored. When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the
problems will soon be solved.

Truly, this is the Tao of Programming.

6.2

Why are programmers non-productive?
Because their time is wasted in meetings.

Why are programmers rebellious?
Because the management interferes too much.

Why are the programmers resigning one by one?
Because they are burnt out.

Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs.

6.3

A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him
invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result,
the manager retained his job.

The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer
refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an
interesting concept, and thus I expect no reward."

The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he
holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of
an employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management
consultant!"

But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist
so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but
waste everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm
working one."

6.4

A manger went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your
work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and
leave at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and
several resigned on the spot.

So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own
working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The
programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee
hours of the morning.

Corporate Wisdom

Ξ February 28th, 2006 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Humour |

7.1

A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure
that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape
with vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos,
each saying 'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is
meant. Every year new names are put onto the branches, but all to no
avail. How can such an unnatural entity exist?"

The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are
disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement
from its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of
programming beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by
its uselessness?"

7.2

In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky. When
this bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate
Headquarters. This message it drops into the midst of the program-
mers, like a seagull making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird
mounts on the wind and, with the blue sky at its back, returns home.

The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands
it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he
fears its message. The master programmer continues to work at his
terminal, for he does not know that the bird has come and gone.

7.3

The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the
master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box
into the master's office while the master waited in silence.

"This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation,"
began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary
operating system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the
art user interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years
to construct. Is it not amazing?"

The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he
said.

"Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that
everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you
agree to this?"

"Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the
data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well
pleased.

Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master
programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do
you know where it might be?"

"Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform in
the data center."

7.4

The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the
project is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao.

Hardware and Software

Ξ February 28th, 2006 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Humour |

8.1

A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is
much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a
giant among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire
business. Why is this so?"

The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That
company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware,
nobody would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat
it like a servant. But because it combines all of these things, people
think it one of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers
without effort."

8.2

A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master
noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game.
"Excuse me", he said, "may I examine it?"

The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master. "I
see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium,
and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level
of play, where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be
conquered by the human."

"Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this
mysterious setting?"

The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot.
And suddenly the novice was enlightened.

8.3

There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at
how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to
visit, "I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do
not have to share my resources with anyone. The software is
self-consistent and easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job
and join me here?"

The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his
friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in
the midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a
great ocean of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond
and as convoluted as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique,
move through the system like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am
happy where I am."

The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the
two programmers remained friends until the end of their days.

8.4

Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are
the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous
and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together,
thinking to conquer the world.

Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and
hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The
Tao lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of
water. It does not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It
does not seeks fortune, for it is complete within itself. It exists
beyond space and time."

Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.

Epilogue

Ξ February 28th, 2006 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Humour |

NetScrap(TM): Excuses to miss a day of work.

Ξ February 28th, 2006 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Humour |

Stumbleupon Review of : http://www.netscrap.com/netscrap_detail.cfm?scrap_id=74

Excuses to miss a day of work.


A Washington Post contest was held in which readers were asked to
come up with excuses to miss a day of work.

1. If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The
voices told me to clean all the guns today.

2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my
Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other
half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind
of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until
the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing
the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in
the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout
with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or
early.

4. My stigmata's acting up.

5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my
previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know
we have that deadline to meet...

7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.

8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder
and, hey, how about them Hoyas, huh? So, I won't be able to,
yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint,
but thank you for calling.

9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I
shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now
contain false information.

11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave
me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

13. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must
track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and
give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

14. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

15. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

16. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that
my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to
arrange for helicopter transportation.

17. I prefer to remain an enigma.

God is who. Evolution is how

Ξ February 28th, 2006 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Humour |

• God is who. Evolution is how.
  
• Got Blood?
  
• Microsoft will make something that doesn't suck when they start manufacturing vacuum cleaners
  
• Money talks. Chocolate sings.
  
• Passing Side [left arrow]  Suicide [right arrow]
  
• Power Corrupts--absolute power is kind of neat
  
• R2D2 is my co-pilot
  
• Two tons of screaming death metal  
  
• Using your turn signal is not "giving information to the enemy"
  
• Wanna come up and see my bumper sticker collection?
  
• Warning: Law-abiding driver
  
• Calculus: The agony and dx/dt   
  
• Music is my drug of choice   
  
• My other spaceship is a flying saucer   
  
• ANYBODY BUT BUSH  It's a good thing David Duke isn't running
  
• Preserve the old growth lithosphere. BAN SUBDUCTION!